Things I, Harry Dresden, am no longer allowed to do
by WerewolfDoctor
Summary: A list of the things Harry is no longer allowed to to do, with comments from Harry and other characters.


Things I, Harry Dresden, am no longer allowed to do.

1\. Hire out Mouse for pony rides, _even if he enjoys it_.

 _Mouse would like to register his disappointment. You tell him he can't, I'm not going to stop him._

2\. Show up at Thomas' 'boutique'. It's bad for business.

-Unless it's an emergency, then obviously you're allowed to ask for help, Harry.

 _I thought I was your mysterious gay lover?_

 _ **Oui, but 'Arry, one's rough and tumble shag does not show up in one's place of work. Eet is most rude.**_

3\. Forge Murphy's signature.

-I know it saves a lot of time, but it's illegal, Harry.

 _Spoilsport._

 _ **I can break your arm in seven places.**_

 _May I register a very manly 'eek'._

4\. Actually use the lifetime pass Marcone gave you for health club related activities. It freaks him out.

-Which I know was the point, but grow up, Harry.

 _And if I want to get into shape surrounded by attractive women?_

 _ **Then you would have to explain to your girlfriend (lover … partner … I'm too old) why you've abandoned your perfectly good gym to be 'surrounded by attractive women'**_

 _Are you jealous?_

 _ **Were you ever going to use the 'health club' for its not so legal purpose?**_

 _No!_

 _ **So should I be jealous?**_

 _Weeeeell. They were very pretty._

 _ **Stop being a child and needling Marcone. Come back to a proper gym. Your hand to hand needs work.**_

5\. Go to fan conventions dressed as a Jedi and do 'Jedi tricks'.

 _Oh, come on. That was fun. Besides I wasn't the one carrying a real lightsaber!_

 _I didn't use it! I mean, I might have got it out once, but that was for the kids! Kids!_

 _ **Sigh**_

6\. Encourage the younger wizards to dress in Harry Potter robes when attending White Council meetings.

 _GRYFFINDORS RULE!_

 _ **Go away, Carlos, you're not helping**_

 _The Merlin's face was funny though. He had no idea what was going on. He probably hasn't read a book written in the last century._

7\. Ask the vampires why they don't sparkle.

 _ **Some insults go too far, Harry.**_

 _Sorry, Thomas. But I have seen you sparkle once._

 _ **That was glitter spray!**_

8\. Give Maggie a mini leather duster, _no matter how cute it looks._

 _I refuse. She looks cute. If you can't see that I feel sorry for you._

 _ **It's too late. She loves the coat. We've got a mini Harry Dresden on our hands.**_

 _Hah!_

9\. Talk in Yoda speak when training Molly.

10\. Sing 'Let it Go' around Mab.

 _I concur. It was fun. Once. Owie._

11\. Start a band called 'Nicky and the Nickelheads'.

-Write a lot of songs about how _sad_ it is to be a Fallen Angel.

- _Especially_ around Michael.

 _ **I swear I'm going to confiscate that guitar one day.**_

 _But then what would Dr Butters say? It's necessary for my recovery._

 _Dr Butters would like to register his neutrality in this conflict and remind everyone he's not that kind of Doctor!_

12\. Casually remind Morgan of the time you _completely legally_ rode a zombie dinosaur named Sue into battle. It makes him twitchy.

 _But reminding Morgan that he doesn't divine right and wrong, and that he probably owes me his life due to some shaky greyish magic is one of the few joys I have in life._

 _ **Hoss, how many times have I told you that you need to say on the right side of Council and needling them at every chance you get isn't going to help?**_

 _They're never going to change their opinion of me. I could save their collective asses three times over and they'd still think I was Darth Vader in waiting._

13\. Ask the Gatekeeper for next week's lottery numbers.

-Curse things when you realise he gave you the right answer, just really, _really_ ambiguously.

 _I don't think he minded, I mean, he did tell me the numbers after all. Just, not in a way I could understand. Probably meant it as some sort of lesson._

 _ **And did you learn anything?**_

 _Probably. And I'll probably figure out what it was a year from now. Or he was just having a joke. Rashid is like that._

14\. Tell Lara she's got something in her teeth.

 _But she HAD something in her teeth._

 _ **Liar**_

15\. Get drunk with Butters and run through the streets yelling, "Polka will never die!"

 _I really don't remember this happening._

 _See, Butters says it never happened. It never happened._

16\. Forget Murphy's birthday.

-Unless everything is on fire and we have to save the world. Then that's ok.

-But a card. Or something. Maybe.

 _It … was your birthday? Why don't you warn me when these things are coming up?_

 _ **I shouldn't have to.**_

 _You forgot, didn't you?_

 _ **I'm just saying it would be nice if one of us remembered.**_

 _You never remember my birthday._

 _ **I do! I got you the (very illegal) service dog papers last year. Besides, things are generally going to hell at Halloween, so it makes things difficult.**_

 _Point. Mouse likes his outfit, by the way. We should do … something then._

17\. Burger King does not constitute a date.

 _The King will not take this insult lightly._

 _ **The King can deal. I'm choosing next time.**_

 _Fine by me._

18\. Make 'In Soviet Russia' jokes around Sanya.

 _ **I could show you how things are done in Russia.**_

 _And we've always been such good friends, Sanya, I'm hurt._

 _ **Education is good for the soul, Harry.**_

19\. Refer to Morgan as 'Inspector Javert'.

 _ **I didn't know you were a fan of musicals, Harry. SI will be amused.**_

 _Actually, I read the book._

20\. Refer to the White Council as the 'Council of Elrond'.

21\. Complain that 'magic doesn't work like that' during games night. We know. Now be a good barbarian and smash things.

 _Actually, I think I might have figured out a better way to calculate magic in the game, according to how Harry says things work._

 _ **Butters, Shut Up!**_

 _Me have Mighty Thews. Me like Jedi Man. Me think Jedi Man should speak about his ideas. Me willing to listen._

 _ **Oh God, now there's going to be no end to it.**_

22\. Just … try not to blow things up? Like, a little. Maybe? Just this once, no property damage, please.

 _You know, it's not my fault nearly as often as people make it out to be. Really. Honest._

23\. Die. Again.

 _I'm going to die one day, you know._

 _ **Dresden.**_

 _Yes, Karrin, I promise to do my best not to die. You promise not to die too._

 _ **I promise too.**_

Signed. _Harry Dresden_


End file.
